Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Report from NJ's 14th Congressional District

(Thanks to the phantom congressional districts and jobs cited on Obama’s 18million dollar boondoggle known as recovery.gov, several cynics have announced candidacies for fake congressional districts. I don’t have the patience for a campaign so I have appointed myself to the 14th Congressional District of New Jersey and the following is a progress report, or State of the District Address.)

"I want to offer my sincerest thanks to the people of The Fourteenth Congressional District of New Jersey. Thank you for putting your faith in me and choosing me to represent you in the 110th Congress. I will never let you down. Since being seated in January, I have worked hard to accomplish the agenda we laid out during the campaign and the following is a partial list of accomplishments saved or created since taking office.

1. 50,000,000 jobs have been saved or created in the 14th Congressional District and most of them have been good green jobs. This number is verified by every single economist and jobs expert in the district. In fact, there has not been a single person in the 14th Congressional District of NJ who has even disputed this number.

2. Unanimous support for Obama/Reid/Pelosi Healthcare legislation has been saved or created. Every single person, doctor, and insurance company in the district is 100% for the bill. I speak for all of us in the district when I say we look forward to passing this historic new free entitlement which will save money and create lower deficits.

3. Global Warming solved as lower temps are saved or created. Temperatures in the 14th district have been cooler than average and in some cases have even broken records that stood for years. Just today, the temperature dropped significantly from 4PM to 8PM!

4. Voter registration is at an all time high as fresh voters are saved or created. Here in the 14th Congressional District, we have partnered with our friends at ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) and managed to create 50,000,000 new voters. Not only that, but turnout has been running 120% of registered voters in every election since partnering with ACORN.

5. We’ve been holding the line on taxes and spending thus saving or creating billions in revenue. Taxes and spending in the 14th Congressional District of NJ have actually gone down since I took office. I made a pledge and I’ve kept it.

6. Higher housing prices have been saved or created in the 14th District! Housing prices in the 14th have bucked national trends and thanks to our efforts, have actually gone up!

That’s it for now. I’ll save or create more accomplishments as I serve my term as your Congressman from the 14th District of NJ!"

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